Get Crazyyy

Last night I went to Kyle’s house, who was home from Georgia, to see him since I haven’t seen him since we all left for college. I go to his house and realize that I was there for a party. It’s funny because I went to his house expecting to hang with him and Austin for a few hours and I end up spending the night there with not only him and Austin, but some other of my bros who came home as well. I was also informed that my bro Kyle was transferring back here to NJ and leaving Georgia next semester. It’s crazy how all my friends and I are connected in the way that we all miss home and find our way back. Being with family and each other is something that we all value. I guess cause we spent every waking moment together in high school and some of us knowing each other since elementary, it was hard to part so quickly from each other.  I feel like last night, or I should say every night I’m reunited with my friends and Drew, everything feels so right and I become the happiest person in Flemington. I really hope that doesn’t change as my time in college progresses, but who knows, I might transfer to a university closer to home so I could eliminate that threat. There are a lot of colleges by me.

Hanging out with the bros, plus Agata who was came to chill to for a while, is something that is always going to be a part of who I am. I have spent so much time with them and they have all made me grow in a way where they made me tougher. I don’t really take shit from anyone and I have them to thank for that. I know that they got my back always. It makes me think how blessed I am to have such a great family and friends. They are my support system and if I were ever to crumble to pieces, I know they’d help put me back together. I can’t help think of what Paul Baribeau said in one of his songs, ” I’ve been let down by the people that I love, but I will not let down the people who love me.” I’m going to stick by this 100 percent. 

P.S I just want to put in here how much of a ninja I am and how awesome I am at pong. 1. I beat a group of boys at man hunt last night. Though they were all lie 15, it still counts.  2. I beat Austin in beer pong all by myself. Kim FTW. 

So last night,  I was suppose to spend it with the one person that can keep me sane and happy while college sucks and of course I couldn’t, thanks to my dad who felt that it was time to go out on a family dinner and meet his new gf. -___- It doesn’t help that I miss this person all the time and hardly seeing him makes it that much harder, somehow I manage though. (Thank you music; you never seem to let me down.)  Now this weekend is shot because the one person I want to be with I can’t cause now he’s out visiting a college all weekend.  Now I have to spend it studying and writing two papers. This weekend couldn’t be any worst, but I will get through this. I always do. 

Things are starting to get easier. I’m getting used to the whole college deal and realizing I’m not the only one who believes there so many fake people in this city. The only way you are going to survive in NYC is if you’re a bitch. That’s the truth. I remember the day before I left, I was telling my good friend that I didn’t want to lose myself becoming a bitch and forget the person that I am when I am at home. He told me, ” If you think about it, in every area there are an equal amount of bitches, it’s just in some places it is shown more.” I can’t help but laugh cause he’s right (he’s always fucking right -__- haha inside joke with myself?). In the suburban areas you have the secret bitches, but no matter what they are still bitches.

I am just happy that out of all of my friends, they still feel the same way about our hometown. As much as it sucked while we were all there and in high school, we have come to realize that it ain’t so bad. I love Flemington in all its glory. College though is becoming tolerable as the weeks progress though. I know that my real friends will never leave me and will always have my back no matter where any of us are. I’m just waiting for when college becomes “fun.” I guess I am just going to have to wait and see.

I’ve been doing a lot of that lately…waiting…it blows. 

I really wish I could travel the world. That’s what I should have done instead of going to college. I should have taken a year off from “the real world” and taken that time to find out who I am and where I want to go. Explore really whats around me, not just the city, but different countries and cultures. Let’s be honest, I really don’t know what I want to do with my life. I want something that is going to make me happy and the only thing that does is music. It has always been music and forever will be, but how am I suppose to survive with that?  As of now, I’m just a lost teen soul, wondering where I should be and who I should be. I reminisce of everything that happened this past summer and I can’t seem to let it go, let go of high school. I know I have to look ahead cause this is my life now: college and making a name for myself.  Today I realized I need to let go, it’s the only way I am going to get out of this state that my mind is in. I can’t mop anymore because even I’m getting sick of how I’m acting. I just need to find myself. Being 18 has its pros and cons and I’m realizing that now. It’s not all fun and games. Since 18 is basically the bridge from leaving teen to adult, it makes you think more of who you are. I feel like I’m so fucked in the sense that I’m just going to end up going in circles. I’m sure I’ll figure it out sooner or later, but I would prefer it be sooner than later. I really have no time for feeling sorry, seriously, what good is that going to do for myself except put me further into depression. I used to be so happy and I miss feeling that way. I am done with pretending.

And now I feel like writing a song. Great. Too bad I have a stupid floor meeting in 30 mins.

So this passed weekend was the best. Saturday could not have been any better spending time with good friends and getting scared at the eastern penitentiary in Philly. Surprisingly I didn’t get as scared as I thought it would be. Friday, I went to the high school football game and I still don’t miss going to football games. It seems that everyone at the football game was smaller than me and thats saying a lot cause I am short. I still wish I could be home with the people that are still at home, but shit happens I guess. 

As I sit here writing this from my dorm room, Paul Baribeau is blasting on my ipod. It seems he’s the only person that can make me happy while being here. At least I have a show to look forward to this weekend back home. I couldn’t be anymore excited. wahhhhh

Uhh so I think most of the posts that I have written have been from home. Whoops. So it’s early Saturday afternoon and I’m waiting for Austy Pants to get out of the shower. It’s feels great to have most of my friends here; I honestly cannot wait for thanksgiving break for EVERYONE to be home. I made sure that I came home ASAP this weekend, knowing everyone that was going to be here.

Being in the city, I feel like I am somewhat losing myself and who I am and thats something that I don’t want to happen. The reason for that may be due to the fact that I really can’t be myself there. Instead, I am more a bitch and to myself. Being home, I can act stupid, say and do crazy things that I would not be able to do there. Thursday night I almost broke down just because of the fact that I started realizing that the person that I was, was slowing fading away. I needed to escape there fast. Although being home is fuckin awesome, I still want to cry knowing that tomorrow I’m gonna have to say goodbye…again. It really blows, especially when all my friends mean the absolute world to me. I really hope I get over this and I don’t get even more depressed because the more that I reflect, the more I mentally start to lose it. I miss being happy and not having to worry about myself. I’m not used to being so vulnerable and I never had breakdowns, but now it just seems that they occur often. I know when I go back to the city tomorrow night, I’m going to be in a bad mood. I always am when I leave home to go back to school. 

My next post will be less depressing.ipromise. 

Home yet again. Going out on weekdays really weakens my body. I feel like after a week of going out and waking up early, I need two weeks to gain my strength again. Being home is great. SItting around, going though everything that was recorded on tivo and just hanging out with family is awesome. Sometimes I really miss high school. Looking back at that time makes me realize how great it really was. During the time that I was actually in high school, I was just like ehh about it all. I mean its high school and I hate people so what more can I say. But in reality and now that I am in college, high school was awesome and I would go back if I could. 

I feel like I am stuck between being the person who locks herself in her dorm, being completely anti-soical and parties at night during the weekdays. One of my good friends said to me today that I was stuck in this grey area and I’m trying to get out by going out at night, but its not really work. Whatever. Ill get over it soon, right?